This Colbert Wants a Word With Stephen Col-bear

What's This?

By Annie Colbert2014-04-12 14:00:05 UTC

Image: Mashable, Bob Al-Greene

Stephen Colbert, I have a T-bone to pick with you.

Your deliberate French pronunciation of our surname has caused a great deal of trouble in my life since your first appearance on The Daily Show. I'm Team Bert, not Team Bear. Col-bert (me) versus Col-bear (you) might seem like the silliest French-versus-American word battle since Freedom Fries.

But you see, it matters. The hard "T" ends our name with a diction kick instead of a snooty whimper.

And now, your new gig as Late Show host (which is super awesome — congrats!) means that I'll have to continue to correct mispronunciations of my name for years.

The battle for Bert has even affected my work life:

And the thing is, Stephen, even your family wants you to ride your bald eagle back to the Bert side.

In 2013, your sister, Elizabeth Colbert Busch, ran for political office in South Carolina, proudly adhering a hard "T" to the end of her name. The Internet says that you didn't adopt the soft "T" pronunciation until attending college at Northwestern University in Illinois.

Why change it, really? Pronouncing Colbert Col-bear is like putting a Lexus hood ornament on a Subaru. Or adding bedazzles to your Hawaiian shirt. Or wearing an ascot instead of tie. No one likes ascots.

You already said you plan to keep your fancy-schmancy French pronunciation, but just know that as your popularity grows, the Col-Berts of the world will fight harder for the hard T.

You won this battle, Stephen, but don't come crying to me at the family reunion when nobody wants to be your partner in the three-legged race.

Note: This is an op-ed of great silliness. There's a comic of a bear eating a Muppet.

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Topics: Comics, humor, opinion, stephen colbert, Television, Watercooler

Image: Mashable composite AP Photo/Charles Sykes, file