Monsanto – Fixing God’s Mistakes

We’re glad to see a proud American institution finally getting the recognition it deserves, and on the biggest stage there is, no less! With the release of the company’s first-ever Super Bowl commercial, folks everywhere will finally get to know about Monsanto, your friendly neighborhood multinational conglomerate megaproducer of food-adjacent consumables!

For far too many years those greedy farmers have been taking all the credit for keeping you and your family fed. Monsanto, meanwhile, has been quietly working away behind the scenes to produce more and more foodstuffs, and they make those edibles bigger, better, and occasionally sentient.

In fact, they work so quietly that for years it almost seemed like Monsanto didn’t even want people to know they existed or to think about the substances and techniques they used in growing their “foods!”

Now we know that was all just a misunderstanding and paranoia; it couldn’t be that Monsanto has finally crushed all meaningful opposition barring it from becoming the only viable producer of nutrients left in just a matter of years! What a silly thing to think!

And it’s also silly to question whether or not the chemicals you ingest every time you eat a Monsanto crop are slowly poisoning every cell in your body. You gotta eat, right? And besides, corporations can’t lie, and Monsanto just said they’re good in front of millions of folks during the most American thing ever, the Super Bowl! So that’s the end of any critical thinking, mister!

Don’t bother checking into the primary campaign contribution made to your congressman, either – he voted to remove plural quality control measures from USDA protocol because it was the right thing to do, that’s all.

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